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Fiction Friday #169
This week’s Fiction Friday prompt:
The note taped to the door said: See you at Wild Notes Karaoke Bar.
I had a little fun with this one, decided to toy with adding as much detail as possible without providing so much detail as to bore the reader. Read it through and let me know if you can tell I had to rush and finished the story in all of three minutes after Gary got out of the cab.
Gary Wright’s life changed on the night of October third. It was on that fateful night that a young punk named Wally – he preferred to go by Chaz to make himself look more macho – took a baseball bat to his face and robbed him blind. What was supposed to be a date with the girl from 4C turned out to be a night spent in St. Joseph’s Hospital getting stitches and hopped up on pain killers.
—–
Jack hammering his leg up and down in the back of the cab, sweat forming on his brow, Gary spoke nervously to himself under muffled breath “oh God, I’m going to be late.” He noticed a map of Pakistan taped to the dash with a star in the upper left corner of the little paper country. Below it was a thumbnail photo of the cab driver standing behind a woman and two small children. Unrolling the pack of Camels from the sleeve on his right bicep, he asked the man “so, where you from?”
In an accent to deep Gary could barely make out the response, the cabbie replied “Pakistan, my friend. Faisalabad.”
Feigning understanding and geographical knowledge of that part of the world, Gary replied matter-of-factly “right on.” He slapped the Camels against the palm of his hand, dispensing a cigarette a short way out. Raising his hand to his face and wrapping the butt in his lips, he mumbled “mind if I smoke?”
“Not at all, my friend.”
—–
In his unwillingness to wait for the elevator, Gary made for the stairs. The elevator was up on the eighth floor according to the dial above the door and after all, he only lived on the third. He tripped, landing hard on his knee at the second floor landing. A sharp pain ripped through his leg and he struggled to maintain his composure. “Son of a bitch!”
He picked up speed as he approached the large gray door with the 3 painted on it. Bursting through, he narrowly missed the planter positioned next to it. A mishap would surely have resulted in a fine from the association; Mrs. Barrett down on the second floor busted one months ago and ended up paying the cleanup fees in addition to its replacement. Gary breathed a sigh of relief when out of the corner of his eye he saw the planter’s toppling shape up righting itself.
He reached his door to find a yellow sticky note on it with
See you at
Wild Notes
karaoke bar.
Heart U
Lisa
Gary pounded a fist on the door “dammit!”
He turned around to make his way to the elevator. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was
ISVILLE SLUGG
written on a rounded piece of white ash.
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Filed under: Fiction Friday
Wow, you really managed to capture that sense of panic around being late. Such frustration with all the delays. I’m quite glad you added the opening paragraph though – I’d never have known that was a baseball bat otherwise!
Icy Sedgwick´s last [type] ..Friday Flash – Captain Karaoke
I think I would have preferred not knowing what was going to happen! Always love the shock ending
. I thought the level of detail was good, helped to really heighten Gary’s agitation!
OW! Its a useful moment to describe that awful sense of being late when the universe feels like it is conspiring against you. Your clumsy gets turned up to Ten, objects conspire against you and then that final climatic Bam! when being late just doesn’t matter anymore.
Jason Coggins´s last [type] ..Flash Fiction 5- Vigilance
The detail was just right. Enough to paint a vivid picture, but not too much to bog down the story. The ending was quite a shock, even though I knew it was coming from your first paragraph.
My only suggestion would be to continue the description of the attack including the same vivid details. I realize you’d have to change your point-of-view, but I always enjoy seeing what happens rather than just being told that it happened.
A great read.
Laura Rachel Fox´s last [type] ..Amy
Looks like you had fun with this. I enjoyed reading it. I didn’t expect when he’d actually get hit, so that was a surprise in itself.
Even though I knew how it would end (in a manner of speaking), it was still a shock.
I like the detail. It adds and doesn’t detract from the story.
Adam B @revhappiness
Adam Byatt´s last [type] ..Clothesline Seduction
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You painted a good picture with the character and I liked how it ended, really felt slapped in the face myself.
Benjamin Solah´s last [type] ..Fiction Friday- You Decide